kaleidoscope

I can see my feelings. They're dancing around before my eyes like flickering lights. Sometimes the feelings get so intense that the flickering lights splinter into patterns and kaleidoscopes. It's the warmest, safest, happiest sensation. I don't want it to leave my body. I can feel all my blood running up and down each limb. All of me is in the centre. I'm floating in this amazing pool of sensations.

I haven't written a 'proper' entry for a while. Tokyo distracted me. I've been learning to live without any financial security. mmm. It's been difficult, not knowing if i should spend money on this or that or take a bus or eat a meal. It was killing me, and then i came to a conclusion that made it a lot better-

I spoke to a friend back in England who told me that he never felt guilty for anything he did. When he said that, I thought it must be an amazing state to be in, especially since I blame myself for everything that goes wrong. But i'm realising now that feeling guilty won't solve anything; it's a negative veil that chokes the life out of me.

Besides, there are people out there who love to blame others for their misery. People who insist on judging are just killing themselves. They save up their pain, holding it tight, holding it close. Until a suitable opportunity arises and they throw it all into the fire and are 'purged' of their woes, feeling a dizzying sense of self righteousness from snapping their finger at him and her and them..if i lived my life blaming myself and feeling guilty, there'd be no one on my side. Iwouldn't stand a chance!
So i wont be feeling guilty from now on. Guilt and responsibility are two different things. I've got to have faith in myself..